1) Failure
Let's see I have many failures. There is no avoiding it because I am a human being, and we all have failed at some point in our lives, unless you have not lived. There are a few failures that have defined me as a person, and caused me to truly try to turn my life around or at least make changes that would improve myself as a person. The two most distinct failures in my life are failing my grandmother, and failing my mom. When my grandmother was on her deathbed, she asked of me one thing, to take care of my mother. She was my mothers mother in law, yet she loved her so much more, so that often times I believed she loved my mother more than her own children, but I am sure this is not the case. Regardless, my grandmother held a very close and personal relationship with my mother. My mother never had a good relationship with her mom, even to this very day things are still rocky, however, they are better than they used to be. SO, my mom was basically a lost dog in high weeds, and my grandmother took her in, and nurtured her, and helped her. My mom truly loved that woman, we all did. There was just something about her that you couldn't help but love her. When she was in a room, it was like all the attention was on her, and you couldn't stop watching her when she talked. She was this drop dead gorgeous person, even on her death bed she was beautiful. She not only was gorgeous on the outside, but inwardly she was beautiful. To get back on topic, my grandmother had one request that I take care of my mother. My mom has always been one to hide her emotions, and the older I get is the harder it is for her to hide, and the harder it is for me to ignore it. Naturally as I age and mature I notice more, and this proves itself true everyday, as I watch my mom. I am a very observant person, and I notice the little things, that most people ignore. I noticed some major changes in my mom in the few months before my grandma died. She began to lose weight from stress and not eating, and she always looked so tired. Physically and mentally she was exhausted. After the death of my grandma my mom completely shut down. My step-dad blamed my mom for the death of his mother, which was completely cruel because she couldn't control her death. My mom stopped eating and drinking. She didn't come out of her room, and she would not leave the house for anything. She was depressed. She was stuck in the labyrinth, and it was by the grace of God that she escaped. Literally there were days that I was afraid I was going to lose my mom. It was a scary thought. I had to call my two aunts, and they had to come and talk to my mom. They were my grandmas two daughters, and they remind me very much of her. My mom reminds me very much of her, too. They came down, and they had to talk to her. One of them looked at my mom and told her straight to her face that my grandma would hate her for being so depressed, and that she knew it. The other said that my mom knew better than anyone that she should be celebrating my grandmas life rather than mourning her death. That's what turned it around for my mom, yet even to this day she struggles with all these situations life throws at her. She has the worst health, and has been sick for a while, and it worries me to death, yet she refuses to go the doctor. She eats, but very rarely. She forgets to eat, and she works like a dog. She is the tiniest rack of bones. The wind could blow her away with one puff. She has injured her arm, and there are days when she cannot move it. Its not broken, at least I don't believe it is, but I know she has damaged something in her arm. My mom looks years older than what she is, and I feel like such a failure because the one thing my grandma asked of me I could not do. I could not take care of my mom. I know it is not my fault, yet that does not make the guilt go away. The other failure that has shaped my life is failing my mom. She has always told me not to worry about her, and she made me promise that I would make something out of my life because she believed I was the only child she had who could and would. She told me I deserved a better life than what she ever could have gave me, and she apologized for it. My mom does not understand how much she means to me. So I struggle everyday to try and succeed for my mom, and still take care of her at the same time. Either way I feel like no matter what I am going to fail one of the two, my mom or my grandmother. I cannot go to college and take care of my mom at the same time. Although I have failed both of them to extents I try everyday to still please both of them, and also to make the best of my life. I have had to change my entire perspective on things, and even on myself. I used to struggle with failure, and still do to some degree today. I have learned that it is a part of life, and that it is alright to fail. I have changed my entire outlook on life, and I have learned to make the best of each day. I have also learned not to make promises that I cannot keep, and also to try my best at everything that I do. It is hard to explain the impacts that these event have had on my life. I can see them because I can see how I have changed. It was while writing this that I realized I am not a static character, I am definitely a dynamic character. It's amazing how while at the same time you learn so much about yourself, you also realize how little you know about yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment